My Arrogance & My Old Knowledge Hang-Up (Apparently Still Alive)

I just got back from eating Japanese food at a place where they give you raw meat & you cook it yourself on the table. (Just ate chicken & rice.) I had an anxiety attack--Maybe my first one that didn't have some...apparent cause. It felt like a bad trip where you think you've discovered the ultimate failure & worst place the Self can go--down some one-way, eternal hole. I seriously considered if I was going paranoid-schizophrenic & was failing to convince myself against it. Paranoid because I had this unshakable fear of imminent death in that moment, & not any less imminent for appearing to be days or months or years off yet. I thought of my aversion to trying to communicate to my parents, & then imagined breaking down & telling them I'm crazy. Anyway, I searched through what I knew from first-hand experience & tried to connect the dots w/ the Tree of Life, chakras, organs connected to both, names of my familiar spirits & double-checking if I still agreed w/ what I've been thinking they represent on the Tree of Life. I've been neglecting to balance the 4 elements, overlooking the nature of any relationships between Yesod & anything else (in any detail), failing to consider for what it is the place my mind seems to dwell most all the time (Hod), & asking Netzach & Tiphareth to do me favors. I dare say the latter 2 (or at least their intelligences I think I know) seem angry at me.

On the drive home I thought of my last 2 posts I made here earlier tonight. What a bunch of arrogance. I mean, I know I've had a knowledge hang-up & have worked on it for years! I think it seems smaller than it used to be (or some other things are bigger) but it's still in there! I'm pursuing too much knowledge & applying too little! & the conclusion of the last paragraph strikes me as the same imbalance. (Yes I did read your comment before make this post, merkabamystica, but I really did think all this stuff! :P)

I think I can see some things I need to do for balance. After I'm doing 'em (or maybe before) I think I'll review what chakras & organs go w/ the sephiroth mentioned above & think about how their relationships can be better balanced for me, too.