Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Brian Berge's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
2:01 am	The Change-Mercy* I know Death to be Necessary to the bargain, And I agree to the terms, However soon It comes. You give me a Flower, But when I accept It I am become You Because It is a turning Wheel. *CHANGE = 72 = ChSD (Hebrew, "Mercy"). Chesed ("Mercy") is the last Sphere before total surrender of the individual consciousness when ascending the Tree of Life, but also "mercy" comes from the Latin "merc" or "merx", which means "price paid" or "wage" & is the root of "merchandise". "Mercy" (merchandise) is thus fundamentally related to the subject of individual consciousness (i.e. mortal consciousness) in that this category of consciousness is the prerequisite of ownership & of bargaining (even of such basic property as the "personality" & the "ego"). The flower received upon "Death" is the bloom which opens to fulfill the whole of the Tree of Life (centered on Tiphareth [the Heart]), & this fact explains the subconscious symbolism of funerary flowers (both on the heart of the giver & the tomb of the receiver) as representations of the fulfillment of the departed in the memory of the giver. The individual mind makes a macabre distortion of the scenario because the individual is fearful to give, but the Universe loses nothing by giving. The poem is not directed to any individual, but to the Universe, which when seen without any of the bias inherent to ego is a perfectly-balanced Flower centered upon the Heart. This is the Rose which blooms on the Cross--the fulfillment which succeeds the full payment exacted by the instrument of equilibration. Indeed, when Christ said "It is finished" (John 19:30), he used the Greek word "Tetelestai", which is a business term meaning "Paid in full". (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
12:35 am	Oracle I just drank from the skull-cap of a Nepalese monk, & was told by an oracle something I've been quite aware of for the last 8 months: I'm in a transformation. I've been realizing that the hardest part is coming to culmination in the last month of it which is now here, & I was told this too. I was also told that Victory & Justice will be on my side. Well...I hadn't thought of it that way...but they should be! :D Well, not on "my" side, but on the "side" that "I" must come up on. Tonight I head to a girl's house to introduce her to Buddhism via a book, being stoned for the first time via some smoke, & other casual but magical pleasures. She's a good little student so far. ;) It's a holy day. Here is to Life, & to Death, dear Sisters & Brothers. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
1:30 pm	Crystal Lilley In late 2000 I went to a friend of a friend's show in an art gallery built in an artist-commune's warehouse in Oakland. The place was full of people but I remember seeing one from a distance who stood out: A woman who frankly scared me more than anyone else in the room, because she had a strength that showed through the way she wore her shirt, & walked in her high heels, & wore such a big, confident smile with dark sunglasses over it that night. She wore all black, & her black glasses had a heart of sparkling stars on one of the lenses. Eventually that night we were introduced. I blushed, & with our eyes connected her sincere smile grew even bigger. Her total lack of fear was meeting the fullness of my innocent, irrational fear, & it was like the play of the Universe in miniature: The covered, hidden center of self-consciousness slowly emerging into the unfolding veils of All Phenomena, drawn by the lure of the ecstasy of standing face-to-face with the absolutely naked Void of Reality. I didn't know what was happening, but Crystal did: She was a technique-less (that is, true) reacher of this Reality, & she made me feel like a clumsy boy in my social mistake called "modesty"--Fear! She played this unfolding in the middle of this gallery with the perfection of fearless grace, reaching out & touching me, physically, & by the time she did we were in love. We had dinner together, made love, & spent the next day together. She was a burlesque dancer & an artist of the trapeze, written word, & whatever else she wanted. She was a radical & sacred feminist of unlabeled spirituality, unrestricted by convention, courageous in everything, almost never missing the point of life's moments & almost always able to call me back to it. She was an incommensurable, sacred Life-teacher, & I can't think of any way she could've been more beautiful than to be such a strong woman: When I met her, her hair was just growing out from being shaved as a message to anyone looking just at the surface of her, or trying to put a role on her. She was the perfect curve with the strength & wisdom to never fold to the straight line (which never reaches all points). She completely understood she was this, and she was all this so securely that she was at the same time never less than the sweetest girl I've ever known. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me before her, but she changed me in every way: She gave me the side that I would've never reached to, because it was the most natural life-affirmation that I feared most & that required the most strength to even face. She'd had a difficult life, for most serious reasons, but the biggest difficulty must've been her accomplishment in keeping & building her strength, courage & honesty. We were so different from each other: We were a man & woman who dissolved in the most absolute union that these two forms may ever possess, & simultaneously this was only possible while our souls came from the two most opposite ends of the whole Universe & yet succeeded to reach each other by courage & Love. At the time, I took it for granted, as Love so often is. I noticed that a poem I wrote called "Woman" was scheduled to be published on the day that I happened to meet Crystal, but was delayed & published instead just a few months later, on the day that we broke up. (I dedicated it to her.) When we broke up, I meditated on her, entered a trance & saw my vision of the LILY, with the letters of its name on its four petals, & an eye in the center weeping dark tears. The name "Lily", transliterated to Hebrew, adds up to the same numerical value as does "Nuith", the name of the Egyptian goddess of the night sky, & of the Queen of Infinite Space who is the personification of the Infinite in the spiritual philosophy of Thelema. "Nuit" is French for "night", & "Lily" is related to "Laylah", the Hebrew & Arabic word for the night sky. Coming to understand LILY a little better, I wrote Sweetest Is My Lord. I remember when Crystal saw my LILY drawing, I wasn't recognizing that it was about some real part of her--I figured the spelling was different & the similarity was a coincidence. But she knew, & her intuition was right. We had managed to stay in touch over the years, always still as close as true brother & sister, but we were not in touch a lot--probably not enough. I thought Crystal would pass on some day before me, but I didn't know any of her friends in San Francisco so I didn't know if I'd be able to find out when or how she'd passed on if she did. I remember when we were together she asked me if I would cry if she died, & I honestly didn't know at the time. Under a clear night sky in a desert I entered a deep trance. I could see her pass on & I wept as hard as I ever have, with the pain of missing her so deeply but also an ecstasy of pride & joy in how she lived & even still lives: Any life in fear is failed life, & by that standard she is one of the few successes ever. I saw her pass on & become bigger than a person or a name or an idea, bigger than strength or surrender or giving or sacrifice: Bigger than any form, & so as big as All--As big & round & true as the Chalice of Ecstasy that, while being Nothing, is the container of Everything, like the empty space of the night sky which itself is the echo of All Joy--All Union. I saw that Crysal Lilley, by transcending form, had reached the ultimate accomplishment of all the strength & courage she had spread: to become unlimited--to become LILY. I realized that all of my possible creations are only to weep Her tears, & that I had thus unknowingly labeled all my creations accurately: LilyTears. We are ourselves the tears of her true Love for & possession of us, like Stars on the luminous skin of her face which is Space. We are face-to-face with Her in the only Love story of All. In The Book of the Law, Nuith tells us: "[T]ake your fill & will of love as ye will, when where and with whom ye will! But always unto me.... At all my meetings with you shall the priestess say--and her eyes shall burn with desire as she stands bare and rejoicing in my secret temple--To me! To me!" The Buddha noticed there tends to be a suffering attendant with love (a.k.a. attachment), especially as the object of love/attachment will eventually Change. The Buddha is said to have taught the life-negating method of conquering this suffering by detachment, but Nuith teaches us the life-affirming method of conquering this suffering by simply remembering to make our Love reach through the form of its experience to the Nothing beyond it which is the goal of Everything--to Nuith/LILY the All-Mother, the cosmic womb or grail, the Night-Sky that contains All. In this depth of Love, Crystal Lilley was my first & my teacher, & in my continuing in this depth of Love, LILY the Starry Night-Sky will ever be the ultimate object of All my Love. Crystal Lilley's form has Changed, but she still bears the same emblems & mode of Love as she did the night that I first met her & loved her: She is dressed in all black with a heart of sparkling stars near her eye, playing the dissolution of my fear so gently, lovingly calling me to unfold from the cover of my hiding place to the nakedness of Reality. These poor intellectualizations are the best I could do to try and describe the depth to which Crystal saved me. I feel lucky I managed to connect the crutches of these ideas to the reality of my friend and sister before she did pass on: I spoke to her about it & I'm pleased to know she understood how I really loved her. Our last conversation was very short, but she said "I always loved you", & I told her the same & knew it to be true. It's been a few months since her phone has worked. I wept hard in that trance a year ago & am crying now as I just got off the phone from talking to Crystal's mother for the first time. Crystal passed away a couple months ago, on July 29th. BE in peace, Crystal Lilley, in nomine dei LILY March 9, 1976 - July 29, 2006 If you knew her, please visit her mother's blog. (You might connect with some of her other friends through her MySpace profile.) (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 24th, 2006
10:59 am	"Let It Be": The Beatles & the Law of Liberty (i.e. of Thelema) When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me The name "Mary" is the English form of the Greek name Maria or Mariam, which is theorized to mean "sea of bitterness". The Sea is also a symbol of Binah & Babalon. "Marie" (or "Mary E", Greek for "Mary herself") in Greek is mu + alpha + rho + iota + epsilon = 40 + 1 + 100 + 10 + 5 = 156 = Babalon (in Hebrew: beth + aleph + beth + aleph + lamed + ayin + nun = 2 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 30 + 70 + 50 = 156). Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Wisdom ("Chokmah" in Hebrew) is the sephirah just superior to Binah. Note that the letter L, lambda, spelt in full in Greek adds up to 78. 78 x 2 = 156, the number of Babalon, who (as the next sephirah) is Chokmah self-reflecting. Also this Lambda forms the arms of the left-breaking swastika connected to the letter Aleph, & to Kether. It's also the L of the Logos (the word of wisdom) which is passed down. Descending through the Four Worlds of the Tree of Life it becomes Light, Life, Love & Liberty. This "Liberty" is the repeated "Let it be" of the chorus. It's also the Law of Thelema ("Do what thou wilt") which was delivered in a book originally entitled "Liber L". And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me When an aspirant attains unto the Night of Pan, Marie/Babalon/Binah is right in front of that aspirant. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. And when the broken hearted people Living in the world agree, There will be an answer, let it be. When the single heart behind all conscious beings is realized (instead of the illusion of a heart apparently broken into pieces: one in each being), the necessary conclusion is that we are all in agreement (though most of us misunderstand that fact). The answer to this realization will be Liberty, i.e. judging behavior as "good" or "bad" by convention will prove inferior to qualifying it according to intent, & conflicting intentions will not be punished (as they are now via legal & prison systems) but disciplined only. We will transcend the illusion of there being any absolute "wrong", treated by punishment or execution--Only conflicts of intention resolved through Light, Life & Love, i.e. communication and growth. For though they may be parted there is Still a chance that they will see The illusion in which there appears to be multiple souls (instead of the one that there truly is) will eventually be seen through by human culture. There will be an answer, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Yeah There will be an answer, let it be. And when the night is cloudy, There is still a light that shines on me, Shine on until tomorrow, let it be. The four worlds are attributed to the four elements. Binah constitutes the world attributed to water. The individual's mind constitutes the world attributed to air. The two elements mixed create a cloud. Even when the Night (another symbol of Binah) is obscured by the veils of the individual's mind, there is still a light conducted down through the Tree of Life, shining into every conscious "me". We may say that in the two macrocosmic worlds, it shines as Light, then as Life. In the two microcosmic worlds, it will continue to shine, manifesting as Love & Liberty ("All You Need Is Love" & "Let It Be"). "Tomorrow", besides referring to the future in general, may also refer to the return of day, that is the return of the Sun to the consciousness (or the consciousness to the Sun). On the Tree of Life, the aspirant's consciousness returns to the central sphere of the individual's mind: Tiphareth (which is symbolized by the Sun). I wake up to the sound of music Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Parts of crossing the Abyss to Binah are connected to Silence, while the world of the individual's mind is connected to sound. Sound is "music" when some pattern is recognized in the stream of vibrations. "Music" could here be referring to this understanding of the pattern of "sound", "sound" meaning all stimuli in the individual's mind. Ultimately, the pattern of the individual's mind is all there is to the microcosm, and supercedes the illusion of Others. Realizing this is a step toward "waking up", & in this case a step upward toward Binah. The lyricist/singer may be noting that "Mary" comes to "me" in that her light is constituting (& ruling by the Law of Liberty) the whole of the pattern of his mind: She descends into the individual while hallucinating that She is the individual--She comes to "me". The true realizing of this also marks the lyricist/singer's coming to Marie/Babalon/Binah. Let it be, let it be. There will be an answer, let it be. Let it be, let it be, Whisper words of wisdom, let it be The whisper may be connected to the dispersing hiss of Choronzon, whose forms are really the "words of wisdom" issued by Marie/Babalon/Binah but misunderstood by the individual's mind (who projects its own personality-illusion upon each one). (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 10th, 2006
5:42 am	Mother Night-Sky & the Six Jeweled Daggers Mother, O my Mother Night-Sky, All thoughts are your own stars: Very pendants of your soft throat's lace, Jewels of a crown fallen on black ground. I gazed into the gems and found Each one a dagger aimed at my face: One is sadness, One smothered fury, One is madness, One exhaustion, One sickness, One regret. I've tried so hard to command them, But I am lost in their land, And they are greedy of me. Mother: Are they the fingers of your nurturing hand? But I am so alone, And it's no longer an act. I have a pistol loaded, aimless. A bullet fails. There is no explanation. A bullet fires, and all falls back. Mother, Mother, Mother, O finally you are here, All black. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 18th, 2006
1:15 am	A Meditation A tiger & a dragon faced each other in my stomach--the Tiger on the left, & the dragon on the right--to battle each other w/ their claws. I've kept them from each most all my life for fear of what they'll do to each other. It occurred to me to let them at it--that they're poles of a battery that need to discharge, & not ordinary, flesh-&-blood creatures that will be wounded & bleed to death. I let them go at it & they went crazy. The world spun while retaining a very clear left-right distinction in my senses. The spinning was maddening--It was the usual spins that occur on this meditation, but this time I let it go, even encouraged it. Their action conducted a charge that completed a circuit down through my legs & through the earth. It felt like it went down my right leg, through the earth & up my left leg. After several minutes of high-heat, highly-vibratory discharge at the top of the circuit I was aware of (the battling of the Tiger & Dragon), I finally released my concern about it enough to become aware of ascending over a chasm toward the light at my heart. All memories of all people who had ever existed had to be recognized as an illusion to be erased. This included all memories of my self. I made it up to the upper left-side of my chest, which was connected to my lungs. The air had to be inhaled completely, then given completely to the rest of the body, then exhaled completely. Inhalation & exhalation were not antithetical, but were both in turn the single necessary action of the entire universe--The universe breathed, & upon the hallucinations that parts of that breath made their own motions apart from the whole, swirling on their own this way & that, were built the details of my illusory self-ness. They made sounds to disguise themselves as "things". The sounds built in magnitude in my awareness, building to a cosmic clatter that threated to drown me. They gathered around my throat threatening to strangle me. I connected them to Choronzon, & remembered to counter him with Silence. I found the Silence in the hollow of my throat. My breath occupied this space, but made no sound. I listened to its Silence, & it filled every empty space that echoed the sounds of things. The sound of the Silence equalled the clatter of the Cosmos, all of whose turns were based on the Silence of the axis in my hollow throat. It dilated to connect my breath to the Great Hollow which is the dome of the heavens. I have begun communicating with my parents again. My friend's wife poured water into a bowl on the left of me (Binah, the Cosmic Mother), but I was aware of the water-bowl within the right side of my head. She walked across the kitchen to the door to the right of me (Daleth ["Door"], the path from Binah to Chokmah), then she gave the bowl to the dog for him to drink (Chokmah, the Cosmic Father--the misunderstood god), but I was aware of the dog within the left side of my head. The dog counts the only number of his name, which is All there is besides Naught. The number is emblazened upon the blank canvas of the black sky like the first firework--a star alone above a slowly-flowing river. The slow current of this river passes through my cranium from right to left, carrying the flame down the inside of my head. A fire-sweetened drop trickles down to the roof of my mouth, wherefrom my tongue laps it up. I swallow it down my throat & it percolates to the upper-right part of my chest, wherefrom it's star-fire empowers my arms (weapons of Mars). It drips down to my heart where the Sun evaporates it into air & light. The light shone upon the battle of the Tiger & the Dragon in my stomach. Repeat. :P (7 Comments |Comment on this)
1:03 am	Update I had a colonoscopy done a few weeks ago. Met w/ doctors to hear the results of the 30 or so biopsies: No cancer. Polyps that will need to be removed. They wanna put me on drugs. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 13th, 2006
2:43 pm	Reincarnation, Structuralism, Aleister Crowley & Goetia Notes to Myself Written Early This Morning None of the terms of the individual's mind, which tend to be symbolic of a presumed external reality but which really constitute only the experience of the microcosm, survive transference from that microcosm. Consciousness succeeds the microcosm without the microcosm's terms/symbols. When it returns to a new microcosm, a.k.a. new "incarnation", any of the terms which symbolize a possible set of elements constituting an experience of the universe may be different. It may be that if one changes, that all others must also change. In other words, the character of all terms/symbols may be different from the previous incarnation. However, a similar structuralism may exist between the terms/symbols of two different microcosms. The idea of this structuralism is exactly the thesis fundamental to Qabalah. Earlier tonight, in a conversation with a few people on the subject of reincarnation in which some time of silence on my part was not disruptive, I entered a trance in which these concepts (true or false) were clear to my mind. I recognized that Aleister Crowley was a provider of methods of initiation & both the mystical & magical evolution of the consciousness, & was at the same time considered "the wickedest man alive" owing to essentially the reality of that same fact. I wondered what terms/symbols his role would assume in my next incarnation, & realized that my consciousness would do well in searching for him/it by remaining uninfluenced by the claims of the collective as to the "wickedness" of a person or thing (which accusation ultimately has no relationship with that person or thing's actual value, morally, ethically, or for any purpose). I felt a tension in my body that seemed connected to the consideration of the collective's "goodness-evilness" judgment to relax inside me, & a category of spiritual ease rarely ever present in me before visited me. I recognized import to the carrying-over of this value by my consciousness to the next incarnation, & my mind returned to this thought at several opportunities through the rest of the night. It occurs to me now that there may further be value in pursuing what is called "wicked" without apparent reason, & even what is collectively recommended against without apparent reason. I'll have to continue considering that, because, on the other hand, the danger of Goetia seemed, for some moment, to be very clear purely in terms of its place in the structuralism of the accepted cosmic (Qabalistic) model. But, perhaps its place is dependent upon the intention applied to it, or the initiation of the consciousness treating it. I'm sharing this here because I'd love to hear any feedback anyone could offer. I'd also love to hear opinions on the place of Goetia in terms of the magician's magick being "white" or "black", or in other words in terms of the magician's career of pursuing &/or exercising K. & C. of the H.G.A.. We do plenty of magical practices which are not directly intended to effect this pursuit or exercise, but which may be considered "white magic" insofar as they may be considered probably-necessary prerequisites to the singular white-magic goal of K. & C.. Goetia is famously (isn't it?) recommended against as a digression from "giv[ing] up the self to the Beloved", but in terms of the qualification described in the previous sentence, could it be not a digression but instead one of the many steps of a white magician toward the K. & C., depending of course on the magicians sincere perspective & intention(s) w/ the operation? I feel this is a subject that is difficult to get feedback on. Is this something people in the know are reluctant to advise any other person on?--Perhaps something only knowable by the magician/operator? Feedback even on just the topic of the value that feedback should or shouldn't have to someone considering these questions would be interesting to me! Thank you! (16 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 31st, 2006
1:56 am	Search Notes To search for a soul-mate is to search for family. To search for God or religion is to search for parents. The church/temple/synagogue/order is a surrogate for siblings. Therefore, find your true family in all whatsoever of the multitudes in your Universe. To find & face God is to become in truth the Devil, because you will be turning away from the world that is against you, for the purpose of judgement. But to find & face the Devil is to become in truth God, because you will be facing the world that is against you, for the purpose of Love. To be wholy the Devil is to be utterly alone among blinding lights. To be wholy God is to be utterly accompanied by caressing veils. To be wholy What-You-Think is to be utterly alone among obstacles. To be wholy Real is to be utterly accompanied by beautiful appearances. What is the Devil & what is What-It-Thinks limits Itself turning away from its adversary, fearful of victimhood. In this mind, the joy of the world is your suffering, because you see not how any of your actions might save you. What is God & what is Real does not limit itself but faces its adversary for the sport of love. In this mind, the suffering of the world is your joy, because you see how any of your acts might save them. None of this happens between you & "the world" or between you & "things" or between you & "people". It all happens between you & You. (Comment on this)
12:54 am	Babalon (You're a Fine Girl) To be sung to "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" (a big hit in 1972 by some band called "Looking Glass") Sample mp3 here: wlhs74.com/1972.htm (about a 3rd of the way down the page) There's a lodge on a western bay And it serves a dozen congregations a day Lonely aspirants pass the time away And talk about their homes And there's a girl in this harbor town And she leads to where communion wafers are found They say "Babalon, show us another round" She leads them to cakes and wine The aspirants say "Babalon, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl) "What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl) "Yeah your eyes could steal a landlubber to the sea" (dooda-dit-dooda), (dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit) Babalon wears a braided chain Made of silver stars as they say in A.'.A.'. The ring on the finger of IT bears her name So do the tombs of those she's slain They came to her on a summer's day Bringin' gifts from far away But they made it clear that they couldn't stay No ocean was their home And so they said "Babalon, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl) "What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl) "But my life, my love and my lady is Nuit" (dooda-dit-dooda), (dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit) Yeah, Babalon used to watch his eyes When he told his star-fire stories She could feel the stars fall and rise She saw their chaotic glory But he could never speak the truth! Mystery! He was a Wise old man And Babalon is the one who Understands (dooda-dit-dooda), (dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit) At night when the temples close down Babalon walks through a silent town And loves a man who's not around She still can hear him say She hears him say "Babalon, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl) "What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl) "But my life, my love and my lady is Nuit" (dooda-dit-dooda), (dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit) "Babalon, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl) "What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl) "But my life, my love and my lady is Nuit" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 15th, 2006
1:37 am	My Arrogance & My Old Knowledge Hang-Up (Apparently Still Alive) I just got back from eating Japanese food at a place where they give you raw meat & you cook it yourself on the table. (Just ate chicken & rice.) I had an anxiety attack--Maybe my first one that didn't have some...apparent cause. It felt like a bad trip where you think you've discovered the ultimate failure & worst place the Self can go--down some one-way, eternal hole. I seriously considered if I was going paranoid-schizophrenic & was failing to convince myself against it. Paranoid because I had this unshakable fear of imminent death in that moment, & not any less imminent for appearing to be days or months or years off yet. I thought of my aversion to trying to communicate to my parents, & then imagined breaking down & telling them I'm crazy. Anyway, I searched through what I knew from first-hand experience & tried to connect the dots w/ the Tree of Life, chakras, organs connected to both, names of my familiar spirits & double-checking if I still agreed w/ what I've been thinking they represent on the Tree of Life. I've been neglecting to balance the 4 elements, overlooking the nature of any relationships between Yesod & anything else (in any detail), failing to consider for what it is the place my mind seems to dwell most all the time (Hod), & asking Netzach & Tiphareth to do me favors. I dare say the latter 2 (or at least their intelligences I think I know) seem angry at me. On the drive home I thought of my last 2 posts I made here earlier tonight. What a bunch of arrogance. I mean, I know I've had a knowledge hang-up & have worked on it for years! I think it seems smaller than it used to be (or some other things are bigger) but it's still in there! I'm pursuing too much knowledge & applying too little! & the conclusion of the last paragraph strikes me as the same imbalance. (Yes I did read your comment before make this post, merkabamystica, but I really did think all this stuff! :P) I think I can see some things I need to do for balance. After I'm doing 'em (or maybe before) I think I'll review what chakras & organs go w/ the sephiroth mentioned above & think about how their relationships can be better balanced for me, too. (29 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 14th, 2006
9:54 pm	Motorcycle & Business Growth Anyone who got my mass e-mail asking if you had a cheap car or motorcycle you could loan me or sell me cheap: I'm getting a good deal on a decent motorcycle from a friend. My financial strain will be alleviated by advertising to some really nice neighborhoods nearby that will fill my schedule up w/ people paying me $60 an hour to teach their kids. This will fill my schedule fast, & with a full schedule I'll double or triple my income. My longer-term business plan (in the guitar-teaching field) includes the automation of regular billing, providing a system of books & flash cards whose grades will constitute a sort of tree w/ different branches the student may go down, testing other teachers into the system, & advertising to other nice areas in the O.C. for said teachers to work in under me. I'll take a bit of the fees, the books & flash-cards will make me a little commission off my business' customers, & I'll make royalties off whoever else buys the stuff online. The other teachers will stick w/ it 'cause they'll still get paid fat, the system will let them fill in for each other which will make their schedules flexible when it needs to be, & they won't want to do the advertising & billing that I'll have mastered by then. Anyone have any ideas about the legal requirements of having employees in California? E.g., if I just pay them as "individual contractors" (is that the right term?) will I be fine regarding taxes? etc. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:21 pm	Frustration vs. Crisis I've known what I've wanted to devote my life to for several years. In '92 I picked up guitar & devoted myself to a way of tuning it that is just barely different from Standard Tuning, but which simplifies the method required to play it such that it takes about one third of the time that Standard Tuning requires to get good in it. I got a degree in music theory &, toward the end of it, was offered an award by my composition professor on the basis of my compositions. (I had been studying way beyond the curriculum & developed a new theory on the natural basis of psychoacoustics, & was employing this in my compositions in a new way--& I mean new to the ear not just new to the music scholar.) I declined the scholarship because it was obvious that the direction I was going (attempting to discover & develop something new) was not going to happen in an institute. It was also obvious that I had been succeeding in teaching myself primarily. Some writings of Einstein & Miles Davis confirmed my decision & I began looking for a job that would let me study on my shift. I started answering phones at an Apple computer mail-order place at night. There were almost no calls & I could spend up to 8 hours a night working on my music. In '97 or '98 I had literate, progressive musicians under me & began leading a fusion band (called "Thunder, Perfect Mind"). I fully understand the idiocy of bragging (especially about something years into the past). I had already excelled enough in skateboarding to find out that you get way more credit when you act modest, & to also get more credit in a moment from a mass of people than I have ever really needed. But please understand the following descriptions as indicators of my mindset (still today) in my considering that I may have been making some positive progress with music: When we played parties, there were times where we'd be quiet enough that it couldn't be heard outside, but people would still go from the middle of a sentence to silence with complete attention on us at, e.g. our tempo modulations. (I'd studied the mathematics behind Elliot Carter's pioneering method tempo modulation & taken them far forward.) The room would fill up & I could see the hallway outside the door filling up w/ people trying to hear & get a glimpse. Guitarists in other bands who'd started playing in their pre-teens & had gone to Berklee would watch w/ angry shock on their faces (& start reporting to me what they'd gone home & tried to start practicing). My goal was (& is) not to be technical or even progressive, but I wanted to blow people away like the Mahavishnu Orchestra, who had changed my life spiritually by blowing me away. I wanted to dive into that stream & continue it in the direction that my heart & spiritual ancestry (if you will) requires. I was doing yoga religiously & understood guitar to be my "mantra yoga". I considered any of my technicality or "progressiveness" involved to be a peripheral, side-effect of expressing my spiritual vision, which such vision I consider to be necessarily at the heart of all valuable art. (The technicality/progressiveness I don't consider to be necessity for all people, but simply a necessity of the expression of my vision at that time.) Anyway, I was deeply, spiritually satisfied with my situation. I remember a stranger approached me around this time & said "You're a musician", explaining he could tell because only musicians exhibit such a peacefulness. I was moving forward into applying engineering mathematics into the psychoacoustical foundation of my composition technique in a manner that tickles the ear in a new way. (To this day I still don't discuss it--Maybe you'll hear it some time.) I was also studying & practicing from 400-page textbooks by Indian music masters, & realizing my theories apply equally to their tradition of music theory, & that music patterns I'd been practicing for years that let me play like John McLaughlin (the Mahavishnu Orchestra's leader) had likely been what he had been practicing after adopting them from Indian traditions. Anyway, my philosophy could be characterized as "exultant super-optimistic", & to good effect...until I banged my head against the Limit too long: One night completely by accident I met a guy who must be the only famous guitarist who tuned the same way I do, with Jimi Hendrix' sister. He invited me to join them for dinner. This must've been '98 or '99. He'd been tuning this way since he was in his teens in the '70s. I found out he was a Princeton graduate, where he'd studied both music & computer programming. We had both taught ourselves how to play in our tuning by writing ourselves software to help us. We happened to be in the same place partially because he was pursuing finishing & releasing it for the Mac, & I was pursuing the same for the P.C.. The next day close friends told me they could tell something had happened to me because my voice had changed. I had gotten to see him play from just a few feet away, & was blown away by how expressive he was but also by a severe discipline he employs on the fretboard, that only a few people have ever taken up. Of course I had to take it up, & practiced it for hours every day. In 2 months I had carpal tunnel syndrome & tendinitis in both my upper extremities, & had to take a break from guitar for 2 or 3 years. I must've spent a couple thousand on chiropractors. Anyway, I continued working that night shift, & after the break from guitar, a few years of slowly working back into it seemed to re-establish the function of the tissues. Being so severely nocturnal (for the job that let me work on my music) was a big factor in my developing colitis, but I didn't realize what a factor it was at the time. I had spent years studying nutrition & different diets for colitis without finding a solution. Before I quit the job, my colitis hit me hard enough to threaten my life. A close friend told me I looked like an Auschwitz concentration camp victim. My philosophy could now be characterized as "mystically melancholic", & the music I heard changed character completely, in reflection of this. In the passage of those 5 or 6 years, of course I had developed additional passions & projects, for good or bad. I quit that job selling computers on an impulse that was telling me that it was time to act on those passions before any more time went by that I would regret losing from my limited, mortal allotment. The feeling was strong enough I was obliged to do it without a specific plan about how I would make a living. I did it & happened to start teaching guitar (in Standard Tuning, though I'd never practiced it) & kept afloat on it. Some months (a year?) go by &, as it sometimes happens, my place of residence became less attractive to me than before. A very wealthy, close, long-time friend was moving to New York & had been telling me repeatedly that I should come with him. He had a place lined up, he was buying a luxury SUV for the trip, & money would "not be a problem" (in his words). I told him I wanted to devote my time to some projects that I knew would start paying off in a matter of a couple months, & start paying a portion of rent, if he would take it. He seemed fine with all that. I didn't care about New York really, but the opportunity to devote myself to my very specific passions & goals--the fire of my very incarnation--made it sound ideal to me. Anyway, he tells me a definite date. I recall I asked if he'd be willing to push it back a little to give me time to keep working & save up a little money while couch-surfing & not having the expense of rent. Nope, he had to go on the decided date. I moved out & cancelled all my guitar lessons. He moves the date back. The suddenly-obvious difference between our styles of planning & personal articulation made me realize I was making a mistake to rely on this guy at all. I realize there's an opportunity here in California for me to pursue the patenting & manufacture of a guitar invention of mine & that clenches it: I'm staying. I'm homeless & income-less, but w/ a couple hundred dollars to eat for a while. (The business partner offered me money to rent a place but I considered my position to be a result of my own actions & felt fine taking responsibility for them.) I spend $15 on an extension cord, & set up my computer to work in my car with the extension cord plugged into an outlet in a remote, underground corner of a shopping mall parking lot. The plan at that point was to work on my "projects" & get 'em out there, which at then included several books & Palm software titles. Anyway, that went on for 9 months. Little of it was in the parking garage--most was crashing on couches. I remember a weekend in a vacated house that still had electricity where I created Ear Trainer in 2 days. As soon as I got my computer online somewhere I got the program out there & selling & I think I made a couple thousand dollars on it in the first year, which I think is not bad for 2 days of work. Anyway, during this time I took on students again & spent 3 months working every day on Qabalah Trainer 2.0.. 1.x must've made me a few thousand over the source of a few years & 2.0 was going to be about 20 times what 1.x was. I was crashing on a friend's couch where I was paying for the connection to get my computer online, had offered him rent $ that he refused to take, made my crashing there quite unapparent (e.g. to visitors), cleaned up after him pretty regularly; but I hesitated to ask him to stop passing his time playing poker & to get off my computer so I could work because I was under his roof. Anyway, after months of daily work my software seemed to be done & was in the phase of testing & searching for bugs. (I was finding none.) I noticed my hard drive was very full & sounded a little strained. I deleted everything unnecessary to me, & this included the online poker-playing software my friend had installed. I informed him exactly why I had deleted. While I wasn't home, he re-installed it. My hard-drive crashed & he repeatedly attempted to reboot it to get back to his poker game, which physically damaged it beyond recovery even by some fancy local experts in that process. (They gave me an estimate of $1600 but this was no guarantee & that chances were slim. I still would've done it if I had the money 'cause I would've been so likely to make more than this by just releasing the software, & I had mailing lists on there of hundreds of people who'd added themselves over the previous few years who were probably hungry to buy it.) Soon after I found my own place. I got everything set up & was keeping afloat teaching guitar lessons again. I can't stand to repeat making a creation of mine--When I do something calculated or inspired I do it in the best & highest way I know, & always plan to move forward. I can't stand to repeat myself. Once I was secure again in my life that program & the loss of my mailing lists hit me all in one night. It presented me the question of will I continue w/ my passions even if none of them ever yield a single bit of fruit. I felt so empty & profoundly, vitally frustrated w/out hope that I began prostrating myself into the Shadow under the Illusion of All. I considered calling the one person whose ear I'd borrow, a girlfriend at the time, but decided to go in & find my reason for continuing this life. Software's just some software, & money's just some money, but it was all that & more, repressed over months or years & coming out concentrated in one night, delivering a principle greater than a collection of events. John McLaughlin once said that Work is all we have. I remembered other words I'd overheard one friend say in person that made me realize she had certainly been to this place & figured out that there was something specific that had made her believe in some kind of hope that brought her through & saved her life. Suffice to say, that specific thing may be considered the true knowledge that someone had truly done it before her in a way she could likewise believe. I survived the night. My philosophy was now "altered-state paradox" (& no I don't mean with any drugs whatsoever). My colitis came back hard. I probably came close to dying again but I had a little hope this time because, the first time, I had searched for years & failed to find any effective-enough remedies & there seemed to be no solution. This time I knew what remedies had saved my ass before, discovered new scientific research & applied it, & had a new concept (w/ the help of ayurveda) of a Lunar-Solar, occult imbalance with literal analogies. While in the hole, I hardly had enough energy to chew my meals & definitely not enough to work. Just walking around the house had my leg muscles starting to get that exhausted feeling where you know they're starting to fail. My sister, knowing I was willing to be homeless, offered to loan me money to keep a roof over my head & food in my stomach. Things have become secure again in the last few months, & I feel new frustrations, angers, depressions, hatreds--new since my teens at least. All those things I'd repressed in those years, & learned to keep repressing in the name of survival & of some form of happiness: Coming up again as I've gotten stable & looked inside & peeled back new layers. Survival seemed answered well-enough at the moment & more-honest happiness became a question answered with a deep disatisfaction with my life. I have projects to give the world (including my self) & I've failed to do so. Meanwhile, I owe something like $3000 in medical bills from 8 years ago. I owe my sister $2500, my car mechanic $2000, & a friend $400, all those for saving my ass. I'm grateful they did but ashamed of the debt, & more ashamed of my paralysis with my projects (even if some of that is related to start-up money). I was talking to my older sister on the phone about a week ago. She has a masters in clinical psych', & I summed all the above up in a medium-length conversation (instead of this fuck-long story). I told her about the night I had to find a reason to keep living & how disatisfied w/ my life I'm finding I currently am. I told her I manage to not feel it when I'm in a crisis, but that it comes up when everything seems stable. She told me I must be getting something from that--I must be getting something from this feeling of frustration. I still don't know what that's supposed to mean--I mean...what's the application or consequence of looking at it that way? I asked her "well what does a depressed person get out of feeling depressed?" She asked me if I was saying I was depressed. I don't really know if she's never sampled a taste of depression & struggled w/ trying to get over it before or what. You know, when she sees a frown on my face she's asked me why I'm trying to look cool. If I would've told her when I questioned all hope of living (or had none), what does that mean to her? What psych' training is at work that my understated confessions of suicidal emptiness & frustration might not be any form of "depression", but are something that I've been conditioned to do because it "works"? How has it been "working" for me while I confessed it to nobody at the time & for years after, & almost nobody even since then? All week I've been seriously trying to be open to learning something new from her comments, stepping outside of myself & trying to not be afraid of some insight that would threaten my ideas or whatever: But I guess I'm expressing some frustration at her comments here because I've failed to see the sense in it: Did I know I was headed for carpal tunnel syndrome & that it would freeze my making of music for 1/2 a decade, but I took myself down that road because some part of me knew it would work? I don't recall moping about that situation for a single day, ever. I always knew somehow I would get it back & that there was plenty else to do (that didn't use my hands too much) in the mean-time, & I went right to it. Sure my soul knew & it's what I really needed, but how does she mean to say my psyche knew & did it because it would get more out of it than succeeding w/ my music would've? I wonder all the same questions about my being nocturnal & developing colitis: I had no idea it would result in that, & can't think of how it has been better for me to fuck my health like that to a degree that I was getting ready to accept death. Did my subconscious really know this shit & desire it over my conscious desires & devotions? Is this state of frustration I'm in at owing people $8000 bucks (which all my possessions have never been worth at any one time) the state that I have truly desired? Succeeding in skateboarding wasn't good enough, nor music, nor in releasing a couple very simple Palm programs. Maybe I have really lost hunger or hope in accomplishing my ideas. The fact that it may appear to me or anyone else to be close to impossible w/ my resources, or in general, has only ever made a goal most utterly attractive to me. Have I lost motivation because I've decided my goals are too accomplishable--because I have become convinced I can achieve them (even if I won't)? I dunno. OH, MY STUBBORNESS! It's always worked for me because what I've wanted to do has always taken persistence! Hmm.... That's a mother-fucking bitch! No sense in coming this far & giving up, of course. Dedication is dedication (& oaths are oaths even). I've been so frustrated the last couple weeks that I've had a frown on my forehead non-stop. I've felt it there while I fall asleep. It's created headaches, which I haven't had more than twice in the last 20 years. I've felt my anger come into my awareness & directly go into making knots in my stomach. I've felt I'm in a nightmare I can't wake up from. I've begun shitting blood. My food has started coming out undigested. I must be shitting once every 1 - 2 hours (but fortunately less frequently when I'm sleeping). My room-mate saw me come home 2 days ago & told me she's worried because I'm pale & getting skinnier. In the last 2 days I've found it hard to find the energy to finish chewing more than 1/2 a meal's food at once. This morning I drank some liquid chlorophyll & threw it up, which has me confused because I've been doing it regularly for several years & consider it perhaps the most important nutrient for my colitis. It's hot as fuck here in California but I felt cold today. I went to sleep with a blanket over me in the middle of the day, when usually no sheet & a fan is required to feel comfortable at night. I slept 14 hours & then I think another 4 w/ the nap. I felt like I'd slept enough but when my body's been most injured it's seemed to like that healing sleep stuff. I'll tell you one thing, though! I must've officially passed from "feeling-my-frustration-mode" to "crisis-mode" today, because I'm really not angry! I feel pretty at peace with everything. Well, maybe I should mention I created a sigil 2 nights ago & felt somewhat better as soon as it was doe. Things are about to change. ...But I do still get just occasional flashes of the nightmare-feeling.... I haven't written this out for the reason of hoping to receive your projections upon me of your fears of your own dis-ease or death, a.k.a. pity; but for a few other reasons: It's been catatonic for me to review my life & failures since it's been a downward slope in some ways, & also if you have any remedial information about colitis &/or anger, I would highly value that. Wisdom says: be strong! Then canst thou bear more joy. CCXX, II:70 (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 1st, 2006
12:43 am	Response to a Question Well, excellent question(s), I think. What I see as my routes to a way healthier budget, & the reasons they have yet to be taken, are these: 1. Returning all the phone calls of potential customers instead of just half of them. Obstacle to this: Anger & depression. 2. Systematizing my business a little better, advertising to choice neighborhoods, & employing guitar-teaching friends under me (who are anxious to start because the pay will be great for them even as I make bank). Obstacles: Anger, depression & possibly a lack of the meager funds required to print some advertising. (I'll deliver it to front doors by foot on weekends once I have it printed.) 3. I have 1 to 3 guitar inventions that I've had working prototypes of for up to 8 years that, to put it conservatively, increase the playability & tone of the instrument significantly & in an instantly-demonstrable manner undeniable by a significant portion of the guitar-playing market. I plan to begin presenting them to manufacturers: The inventions have virtually NO extra cost for the manufacturers to incorporate into their guitars, just the licensing fee that will go to me as the patent holder. Obstacles: I'm not yet the patent holder, & don't have the money to apply for the patent(s) yet. 4. Books & albums to finish writing & recording & releasing by print-on-demand methods (with no investments, overheard or monetary risk required, only a potential for profit). Obstacles: Anger & depression. Part of the monetary situation, besides the fact that I am low on it, is that I'm in debt: I owe thousands of dollars to collectors for medical bills that an insurance company should have paid about 6 or 7 years ago, but the insurance company ended up being a scam that I've been unable to get state agencies to pursue beyond the company's clever side-stepping. I owe a couple thousand dollars to my sister who helped me keep a roof over my head & food in my stomach when I was too ill to work late last year. I already owe about a thousand dollars to my mechanic friend! So, this is a hole I've let myself sink into for many years: I've had the most important of my inventions for 7 or 8 years, that should be very valuable to both manufacturers & millions of guitar players; & part of my being homeless about 2 years ago was a move to dedicate more of myself to its production with a partner. That fell through but all I really need is the patent before I can safely just present it to other manufacturers for licensing (instead of manufacturing & selling it myself w/ or w/ or w/out partners). I feel very strongly that the direction I should be taking in life is the one that should benefit the most people the most, & am completely convinced that whatever this direction is would also be the mostly likely path for my own benefit. Anyway, I have several years (in some cases over a decade) of work & contemplation behind all of the above routes that I've fixated upon as my success. I project a big part of my anger on the fact that, while the parents of my friends & even some of my students & their parents have offered me habitation, rent money, & support in some of these projects (I refused all except in the last case but that's never quite worked out), my own parents offer money for more medical treatment (which is how they talked me into the medial stuff that's still on my credit report--they said they'd pay it if my insurance didn't, but they have yet to) & therapy, they don't give a fuck if I struggle for 10 years just trying to fund the first step of an invention that may give thousands of people some pleasure & make millions of dollars. How does fixing my broken tooth help anything when no one gives a fuck about it including me? They'll pay a thousand bucks w/out a thought for that but the direction I've devoted my life to for years to the point of living in my care & sleeping in a park if I had to get closer to achieving it? They appear unwilling to pay that fact so much as a THOUGHT. I know they don't owe me anything but it actually offends my sense of human communication & of the respect of human life & the respect proper to the facts of human family & spiritual career. They apparently feel some debt to the health of my tooth, but they don't owe me that, nor any regard as a conscious entity; but that's my own parents! It's poisoned my subconcious expectations & emotional interactions with all human beings wondering why they should have any regard for me as a conscious entity if my own parents don't, & every time I search my soul for some fragment of motivation to do anything more in life than the meager amounts I have been, I peel back layers & discover more of this dissonance & the anger & depression that it produces & which is the force sapping my motivation. Every step I take closer to having hope in myself & the human race (& any satisfying harmony between these 2 things) intensifies my frustration with my life & the wasting of years of my life trying to take the first step of fulfilling my incarnation in the only way I can see. The first step is the one that starts the momentum, & trying to muster it to break over the peak has kept me poor, & the stress of it has at least contributed to my illness & approach to death. This peeling-back of the layers of my mind in an attempt to find motivation has occupied my mind most minutes of every day lately, & the anger that comes with that has increased my stress & put me in such a constant fight-or-flight mode that my stomach is actually fucked up again. That's my situation & I think I shouldn't blame anyone but me for me being me, which I why I say I've set myself up for this. So, here I am bitching & almost perverting the wise direction of your question. Thank you for reading this far, Jason. It helps me to sort this out, express it, vent. The wise direction of your question is the one toward consideration of a solution: When I'm most stressing & have a moment to relax in my despair (like trying to fall asleep on the sidewalk the other night or being told the next morning that my car would cost $1100 - $1500 & that my survival appears to depend on $ that I don't have) I tell myself "I will succeed". It's the exact conviction that always worked to accomplish the "impossible" on a skateboard or in a pugilistic match...IF I TRIED ENOUGH TIMES WITH ALL MY ENERGY WHILE MAINTAINING THE CONVICTION. I WILL SUCCEED (without bowing a knee to any enslaver I'm unwilling to accept as such). :) (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 29th, 2006
11:21 pm	I'm Tired... ...'cause my car broke down last night, had it towed somewhere. Called some friends for a ride home. Walked about an hour to a bar & realized I'd confused it w/ another bar quite far away. My celly ran out of juice. I walked back. Junkies were in effect on the streets & I rapped w/ one & gave him change. Slept a couple hours on the sidewalk in front of a friend's place before trying a back door & crashing on their couch. (They were out at a bar, all their lights were on & their sliding back door was literally open for their cat &/or turtle.) The repairs may be expensive so I towed it to a friend's shop where I'll save a lot of $. Just towing it has cut into my rent $, though (which is due right about now). I guess I set myself up for this! :( (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
3:21 pm	My L.J. Mind-Map ("An 'Unconscious Psychological Organization''") ( Click here to see! ) (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
4:25 am	"Who hates one's parents is like a dark mirror image." "A child who dishonors, despises or hates his parents is usually the person who is most miserable. Parent-contempt is essentially a form of self-hatred because ill feelings poison the child harboring them, and often makes the child more miserable than the parent against whom such feelings are harbored." --? "A person who lives within the boundaries defined by others... of course they are defined by others because a child cannot define his own boundaries. Parents define boundaries out of their fear -- their parents have done the same to them; now they are doing the same to their children. This is how from one generation to another the diseases go on being transferred. Each child hates the parents but pretends to love them. I can understand why he hates them, because the parents are poisoning him. He feels it in his guts, that they are destroying something tremendously significant. They are destroying his very life! -- but they are destroying it for his own sake. He cannot even revolt because he is so helpless. It was thought in the past that the proletariat is the most exploited class; that was not true. Later on we found it is not the proletariat but the world of women which is the most exploited world. But now we are discovering even that is not true. The MOST exploited class and the most helpless is the class of small children. The child is so dependent on the parents. He HAS to listen to them;; he cannot say no. Inside his being he says no;; in his bones, in his blood, in his marrow he says no. But on the surface he has to go on saying yes just to survive. So he accepts the boundaries. And when you have accepted certain boundaries for twenty, twenty-five years, that is one-third of your life and the most important one-third... You will never be so intelligent again, never so vital again, never so vulnerable again, never so innocent again, never so unconditioned again. These twenty-five years, the first third of life, are managed by people who are afraid, trembling, who are slaves. I am not saying they are doing harm to their children knowingly, intentionally. They are good people; their intentions are good, but their understanding is poor, almost non-existent. Otherwise every parent would help the child to go beyond the known.... If I have to choose between God and Adam and Eve, I will choose Adam and Eve because they did the right thing. They rebelled, they disobeyed. They said, "Who are you to tell us what we should eat and what we should not eat?" They inquired, they adventured, they risked, they gambled -- courageous people. They gambled Paradise. They said, "We are ready to lose Paradise, but we cannot lost our freedom." They respected freedom more than Paradise itself with all its pleasures. They were not hedonists, they were truth seekers.... But what God did, the original father, all the parents have been doing to their children since then. "Don't do this, don't eat that..." They go on destroying your integrity, they go on destroying your morale, they go on destroying your respect for yourself. They create a self-condemnation in you.... You cannot accept it because it goes against your whole training, your whole upbringing.... The existence is ready to make you enlightened any moment, only you are unwilling. And why are you unwilling? -- because you have been told that Jesus can be enlightened because he is the only begotten Son of God, Buddha can be enlightened because he is born in a special way; he is no ordinary human being. He comes from the beyond -- he is an AVATARA, an incarnation of God. How can you be enlightened? Krishna can be enlightened because he is born enlightened. You are born unenlightened and you are going to remain unenlightened. At the most you can hope to follow some enlightened one. But following is not much of a dignity, it is not a glory. I say to you there is no question of following anybody.... It is a question of wrong upbringing. Each child hates his parents, is bound to. Slowly slowly he forgets it because repressed, very deeply repressed. And each society teaches you to respect your parents. Why? Why does each and every society teach the children to respect the parents? -- for the simple reason that they know that if the child is not taught to respect he will hate. Hate will come naturally, hence it has to be repressed by respect." --OSHO, Theologia Mystica Discourses on the Treatise of St. Dionysius Talks given from 11/08/80 to 25/08/80 (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
3:22 am	Am I an Ungrateful Piece of Shit? Let Me Tell You I have often gone a year at a time w/ out anything like a date, but for some reason I've been on a string of "hang-outs" w/ date-y potential. There haven't been any sparks but one woman is a really bright soul that I can picture being good friends with. She's very frank & sweet. We had a long conversation wherein she opened me up & got me to look inside. In all the pictures of me that there are, if there's a smile it's an accident on my part. They are so few that I remember the exact events & what I was thinking. I could see a camera was taking a picture & I always resented that it was catching a smile, but I remember my exact decision to not stop a natural smile just for a camera. But I definitely never put one on for a camera. It's pretty weird talking about family & the growing-up situation on LiveJournal. My mom reads my shit here trying to have some form of contact with me. I guess I'll make this one private. I had 2 older sisters & when anything wrong went down they were asked first if they were behind it. I'd be asked last & even if it wasn't me, I'd be blamed as the culprit & a liar on top of it because my sisters said they didn't do it & how could they not have done it AND I didn't do it?--I must be lying. I've processed this several times in my life but it is a well-lodged brick low in the wall of my persona: I am very hesitant to portray anything that I have any suspicion could be less than 100% genuine on my part. I'm way more sure I know how to be angry than to be happy, & I'm way more likely to put that on my face. I've wanted so long to not be angry--Seems like a thing that they tell us we're not supposed to be, & not supposed to want to be: Unhealthy, unattractive, etc. I've told my self I'm so much less angry than I really am. More than that, I don't want my mom to ever see me happy, because that would give her some happiness & I hate her. This conversation with this girl was the first time I'd realized this, & she'd won my trust quickly & I went ahead & told her all about it instead of playing it "safe". Her brilliant questions continued. The only thing good about my mom that I could think of was that she has tried. She is clueless to the theory that anyone else's feelings should be respected if hers should, & her motive is not to be a any particular thing to other people, but instead only to be treated a certain way. She is unable to empathize with another person's point of view except as it is qualified by her own desire for control. She has spent decades slowly, begrudgingly beginning to realize that to be considered something other than a controlling, aggressive, insulting person she will have to actually be something other than a controlling, aggressive, insulting person. What an ungrateful piece of shit I am, huh? I'm really sick of myself right now, but I don't feel unreasonably ungrateful or unreasonably shitty. A couple weeks ago I had a really pleasant night w/ an x-girlfriend. Her cat has been quite sick & she was told at that time it could be digestive issues or a form of cancer, but that either way the prognosis was bad. A biopsy hadn't come back so she thought it was digestion stuff. Her cat has been very skinny & sick & gets sick every time he eats. I felt bad for it. I identified with it, myself being sick so similarly for 7 years. I knew it would die from this but I didn't feel much regret. I thought I would die, too, & I didn't bitch about it. Anyway, he was making the saddest moans I thought he was about to die right there. He was throwing up & my x-girlfriend was so incredibly sweet to him. She spoke to him in a way that tried to offer so much comfort. She gave him space to not make him feel nervous. It's sad he's dying & sad she's losing him & extra sad how much she really loves this being that's on it's way out. I was sad for the cat, but I was really blown away to see a person being there like this for another person. When I was sick every hour for months straight, losing blood every hour, not able to sleep more than an hour, weight only 2/3rds my usual weight, not having the energy to care about anything in life, making loose plans to dispose of my own body down the road instead of dying in a hospital, no one was there to comfort me. Two people told me they cared. I think 5 years into it when one of my parents found out I was losing blood every few hours (at the time) they got excited & insisted I go see a doctor, saying they'd pay for it if they had to. They had completely forgotten that I'd already told them I was this sick 5 years before & apparently hadn't noticed that nothing had improved since then. They'd forgotten that they'd already talked me into seeing a doctor, said they'd pay for it if my insurance didn't, & that my insurance had ripped me off & that my parent's had never paid a cent. My credit went to shit & I can't rent a place in my own name (only sub-leasing under a house-mate). Whatever. The thing that offends me is the lie of offering help but not, & the lie of acting concerned when you're not. My x was truly so concerned & caring for her cat. This cat had a small comfort I hadn't imagined in a decade: Someone being there for you & offering sincere words of comfort as you say goodbye to your life in a slow, painful way. I'm a human being & don't get that, even from the other human beings that produced by life & body, but a cat gets it from its owner. I dunno what I think about that, but it felt weird to see. So, I am ungrateful, & that's a reason. When I was 13 I stepped through something that I thought was a floor but that was really just a sheet of that foamy stuff that forms the apparent ceiling of a commercial building when the real ceiling is much higher. I fell a full story onto my back on concrete. It hurt to walk for a month. I asked several times for help. I was told a chiropractor was asked about me & that he had said I'd probably just strained a muscle. That was as much help as I could get out of my parents from several requests over a month of pain. Many years later I had it x-rayed myself by a chiropractor who recognized that I'd broken my back. (I fractured the spinous process & the injury still makes part of my spine protrude under the skin of my back.) So, I am ungrateful, & there's another reason. I was homeless for the good part of a year. I slept on a lawn in a public park while my parents vacationed in Hawaii & their large house was vacant. The parents of multiple friends offered me money & shelter but I didn't feel right about that. Mostly was able to sleep in my car (on top of my possession, if there was room between my possessions & the ceiling of my Honda wagon). I got help but not from the people that produced my life & body. I am ungrateful. I am not convinced that hours of childbirth is more painful than days of feeling your spine slide around between the two dislocated halves of my pelvis every time I move, being in too much pain to get any sleep, & almost being in too much pain to get to the restroom: I couldn't put enough weight on either leg to do a crawl & move one leg at a time. I found a way to use a broken shutter like a walker, sliding my feet 1 inch at a time while minimizing the redistribution of any weight between my legs. (There was a shutter lying around because I was homeless & crashing in an empty, abandoned house.) I put myself there & I got myself out, both w/out drugs or crime or help from the people that made me. They tried to break my soul for hanging my pants up in my closet but without observing the pleat correctly. For this she executed relentless, aggressive effort to extract a continual flow of tears from me for half an hour. My dad protested that it reminded him of when he was beaten by his parents. She made whatever mental note of that she felt she need to, & then continued the anger payment just as aggressivly for another half-hour. I didn't hang the pants correctly 'cause I didn't know the correct way. If I'm going to be fucking tortured for not knowing the correct way, than fuck all the correct ways out there. I recall I started buying my own clothes as soon as I got out of Jr. High, getting all the most obnoxious things I could from thrift stores. I didn't know why this delighted me. It felt right to say "fuck you" to Orange County w/out following any lead like the "punk" or "goth" or "metal" styles or whatever. It was "retro" 10 years before the fact. I still dress that way & I look like I'm "retro" 10 years late. I hadn't calculated why this has been "me", but now I'm looking inside & seeing these connections. When I looked in my heart I saw these few pieces that made part of it up, down in there at an apparently fundamental level that I haven't thought of for years. I haven't seen their connection to my last 20 years of anger, shyness, failure, solitude, injury & resistance to life: The people that made me tried to pull my personality out of me like a tooth so they could own & control the feeding of my mind like it was a mouth that couldn't chew its own food. But from the beginning they did say something nice for a piece of artwork. If the people that bothered to actually make & raise me would have this philosophy & agenda, how could other people who've given no such effort & energy & aren't expected to be expected to have a philosophy & agenda that should appear any better for the survival of my personality? This piece has constituted a foundation of disgust for people in general that I took to be the norm & never recognized as such, especially because part of me likes plenty of people & it's easy for me to see that instead. I have desired a large selection of people to supply my choice of who to socialize with & who to be intimate with because in effect the equation works out to me having unreasonably high standards & it's almost impossible to really make the cut & get inside the real me. I've told myself that this difficulty is just because I'm picky but I didn't ever feel that very strongly. The method I employed to access & pursue a large selection of people was to be really talented at art & eventually any thing that I love. It has proven effective in earning apparent respect. It never occurred to me that I'm not really "picky", but that my attraction to people in general is instead just very neutralized by my fundamental disgust of them owing to the way I was raised. I figure assholes can't tell that they're assholes. I've been confident all my life that I haven't been an asshole because I've been very confident that I've really ALMOST always been fair & lenient in business & personal interaction with absolutely any type of person. I can think of many times that I've been given more change than I was owed, or left a bar w/out paying for a meal & remembered a week later & paid it, or even had a flat-mate try to rip me off for rent but make a mistake doing it in which he was ending up over-paying me, & I refunded him money he wasn't expecting & that really no one would've reasonably expected. I don't regret this approach to things & I think I do it in personal affairs as well. But now I see the foundation of shit in my heart that I thought was the norm, & I wonder, however "fair" I was in actions, how much of an asshole "vibe" I gave some people without being able to see it. I am a piece of shit. Put lots of pieces of shit together into one piece & that's what you get. There's a big difference between shit & gold. You can sense the difference many ways. I'm furious I was raised on a diet of shit, & I will recognize it & exercise the power to say it. Several years ago I tried to tell my mom that I wanted to talk to her about how negatively I felt about my growing up. I really wanted to get over these feelings & start spending my decades in a better mental space, & I thought talking about it could be a conducive step. She didn't permit me, but she did offer to tell me how negatively she felt about raising me. I sat there & took it & then we were done. I stopped talking to her for a couple years. A year or 2 ago I tried to bring it up again, & she told me to get over it. So I decided to get over it. A few months ago I was sitting around a table w/ my parents & they went through an emotional outpouring of re-examining the past of raising me & talking about their thoughts on it. I took it all in peacefully & then a day later realized how blind they are as human beings. It was like they had just learned what "self-examination" was that very day, & combining it with critical thought is obviously years down the road. I'm ready to get over it. I will take power over my own freedom to smile, to enjoy life, to feel more truly open & at ease instead of tense as fuck while covering it with a practiced state of relaxation (perverting my own feeling of myself & probably also the feeling I project to others). Action & progress require a degree of focus, & with "getting over it" I will include getting over the things & people that are more connected to "it" that I will to be. In that spirit, I quote the song of a 20th-century prophet, who wrote it for us: Mother, you had me, but I never had you I wanted you, you didn't want me So I, I just got to tell you Goodbye, goodbye Father, you left me, but I never left you I needed you, you didn't need me So I, I just got to tell you Goodbye, goodbye In trying to look up something John Lennon said about writing this song, I discovered this part of an interview with him: John Lennon: In the therapy you really feel every painful moment of your life--it's excruciating, you are forced to realise that your pain, the kind that makes you wake up afraid with your heart pounding, is really yours and not the result of somebody up in the sky. It's the result of your parents and your environment. As I realised this it all started to fall into place. This therapy forced me to have done with all the God shit. All of us growing up have come to terms with too much pain. Although we repress it, it's still there. The worst pain is that of not being wanted, of realising your parents do not need you in the way you need them. When I was a child I experienced moments of not wanting to see the ugliness, not wanting to see not being wanted. This lack of love went into my eyes and into my mind. Janov doesn't just talk to you about this but makes you feel it--once you've allowed yourself to feel again, you do most of the work yourself. When you wake up and your heart is going like the clappers or your back feels strained, or you develop some other hang-up, you should let your mind go to the pain and the pain itself will regurgitate the memory which originally caused you to suppress it in your body. In this way the pain goes to the right channel instead of being repressed again, as it is if you take a pill or a bath, saying 'Well, I'll get over it'. Most people channel their pain into God or masturbation or some dream of making it.... Robin Blackburn (Interviewer): Do you see the family in general as the source of these repressions? John Lennon: Mine is an extreme case, you know. My father and mother split and I never saw my father until I was 20, nor did I see much more of my mother. But Yoko had her parents there and it was the same.... Yoko Ono: Perhaps one feels more pain when parents are there. It's like when you're hungry, you know, it's worse to get a symbol of a cheeseburger than no cheeseburger at all. It doesn't do you any good, you know.... John Lennon: I think middle-class people have the biggest trauma if they have nice imagey parents, all smiling and dolled up. They are the ones who have the biggest struggle to say, "Goodbye mummy, goodbye daddy". Tariq Ali (Interview): What relation to your music has all this got? John Lennon: Art is only a way of expressing pain.... The only reason I am a star is because of my repression. Nothing else would have driven me through all that if I was 'normal'.... Yoko Ono: ...and happy.... I saw a programme about this kid who had come back from Vietnam--he'd lost his body from the waist down. He was just a lump of meat, and he said, "Well, I guess it was a good experience." John Lennon: He didn't want to face the truth, he didn't want to think it had all been a waste.... --"The Last John Lennon Interview" That part about memories getting suppressed into physical pain reminds me that when I was in an abandoned house & couldn't sleep for a night 'cause I could feel my spine dislocated from my pelvis (I've been diagnosed multiple times with a subluxated sacroiliac from physical trauma & have been revisited by the condition many times since the physical traumas), I remember a peak to it in which it was like something snapped in my mind that made me decide that I must be schizophrenic for resisting surrendering my personality to that of my parents. I feel much stronger realizing the opposite. (24 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
1:36 am	Be True to Yourself (Correspondence Continued) I'm surprised but not shocked to hear your situation has been making you sick. I can only recommend to cut people that are bad for you out of your life. These people sound like more harm than good to you. I think in your shoes it would be to me a question of the inheritance, but no amount of money is worth health or happiness. When health & happiness are gone, a million dollars can never buy them back. Weigh things out & figure out what you're giving up to receive in each of your options, & which option best honors your own life. Each of us has a duty to our own life first. Have you seen the movie "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon"? It's theme is "Be true to your self". If you're not, you will get to the end & be willing to give everything away wishing that you had been. The falsely virtuous man will give all his rewards away to go back for the chance of true love. The dishonest, trouble-causing girl will throw herself off the mountain for the chance of one wish being granted. Be true to yourself or lose all. If you do this with strength, your worthless enemies will fear you & your enemies with some worth will come around to your side. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 1st, 2006
11:51 pm	My Skate 'Zine Was Quoted in O.C. Weekly An interview I did with Ray Barbee in 1989 & published in my skate 'zine Crumbly Cookie was quoted in the first sentence of an article on his music in the latest issue of O.C. Weekly: O.C. Weekly article on Ray Barbee's music (by Chris Zeigler) Crumbly Cookie interview with Ray Barbee (by me) (3 Comments |Comment on this)